Dear Sucky Previous Owners,
I'm not sure I believe in Hell, but if there is one, then I am sure there's a special place there for y'all. I don't know for sure who committed what sin against this house, so I'm lumping you all together in this post. All of you, every last one of you, deserves beachfront property at the Lake of Fire. And when you get to Hell, I hope the house you have to live in has three layers of wall-to-wall carpet that's stapled and glued to hardwood floors and I sincerely hope that Satan makes you tear it all out by hand with only a dull box cutter and a pair of broken pliers to help you. I hope you get real warm while you're tearing out that carpet and try to open a window, only to find that every stinkin' window in the house has been painted shut. May your house in Hell have a cute lil side porch that you can't get to from the parlor because some fool sheet-rocked over the door and put in a closet--a closet so shallow that the hangers are crooked in it, with cheap sliding doors that run off the tracks all the time. I hope one of the times that you're wrangling with the closet doors that you look up in the top of the closet and see a tiny patch of beautiful wallpaper (which may or may not be original to your 1887 house) with a grayish-tan background and lilies of the valley on it and that you realize that paper's been obliterated under several layers of paint.
That's what I hope, because then you'll know how I felt yesterday when it took me almost two hours to tear out the last bit of nasty carpet (a swath slightly less than 4 ft. wide and about 11 ft. long) from the second parlor and its stupid, useless closet.
One last thing: I hope you try to roast marshmallows over the flames from the Lake of Fire and that just when they reach ooey-gooey perfection and you're about to plop 'em onto your graham cracker and piece of chocolate, the marshmallow drops off the stick and falls into the fire. I hope that happens over and over and over and you never get to eat that 'smore. Cause that would be Hell, as far as I'm concerned.
Your pal,
Me